Sunday, January 27, 2013

Change the World


We just might be able to save the world from the slow deadly spiral of economic decay if we can bring the universe to its knees and rearrange IKEA stores so people can walk from one end to the other in a straight line. The labyrinth of impulse-buys is ruining the world and my Saturdays. Not only is it impossible to get in and out of the store in less than an hour, assuming you keep a good pace, but the meandering path systematically breaks down my wife's focus and we end up looking at a bunch of crap we suddenly realized we absolutely needed. Sure there are "shortcuts". But they're not really shortcuts. They are like the green tubes on Mario Bros. that just warp you to another part of the level with no idea of how close you are to your goal. That being said, if I had to exit the store by jumping off a flight of stairs and sliding down a flag pole I might feel like the whole ordeal was actually worth it. You'd think it would be better if you just went straight to the first floor. But it's not. In fact it's worse. There's even more stuff and you can almost here the "bada bada bada" of the dungeon level.

In fairness there are two parts of Ikea that I do enjoy. The first is the moment I emerge from the twisted maze of shopping ADHD that is the first floor into the open warehouse area. All of a sudden I feel a little bit like I'm in Costco (without the mosaic of giant TV's) and I'm suddenly interested in all the neat stuff nestled in the forest of green and orange industrial racks that tower above me. The second is the cinnamon rolls. They're pretty good.

So really, what I'm trying to say is, Costco should sell hot cinnamon rolls.